Dear Nigel, Red, and Rockgut
by NigelTux
Summary: Humanized! They weren't always all business. Discover the untold stories of a younger Super Secret Agent Nigel, Penguin Enemy Number One : The Red Squirrel, and Rouge Bounty Hunter: Special Agent Buck Rockgut.
1. I am not allowed to switch occupations

**_1\. I am not allowed to switch occupations with my Arch Nenemis._**

It all started with an argument over who could do who's join better. A small matter really, bit of course the three had to complicate things. In a matter of time a deal was stuck which was how they fount theirselves in her arch nenemis' trademark outfits.

Red was in Nigel's emerald suit, hair slicked back, and suitcase in hand. Honestly, he had cleaned up quite well, drawing hungry gazes with ever graceful step he too. Personally, it annoyed Red but he kept Nigel's usual smile in place as he waltzed right into MI6 HeadQuarters. They was no way in Hell was he going to lose this bet to those two.

* * *

Nigel narrowed his emerald eyes as he moved through the bushes, stopping every few steps to glance around and shout 'clear'. Now where was the current Enemy Number One?

* * *

Buck Rockgut stared in utter confusion at the directions to Red's current project. If he was reading this correctly the blue wire should connect to the red... Right? Taking a chance, he swiftly connected the wires before ducking under the lab table...

Nothing. Sighing in relief, Buck stood.

BOOM!

An angry scream filled the hidden lair.

* * *

Red hummed softly as he filed Nigel's paperwork for the day. He could hear people rushing around outside the office but paid it no mind. Ah, they must have finally have gotten to viewing their own security films. As if to prove him right the door was flung open to revile The Commander, leader of MI6, and several Agents. Red looked up in annoyance, "Do you mind? I'm trying to work."

* * *

The Commander stared at the three men before him, wondering how he got stuck with three children stuck in adults' bodies.

"No, just no. You will all change back into your own clothes and then Red will leave."

Seeing them about to protest The Commander raised his Hand.

"Look, Red is a villain. THE villain, Penguin Enemy Number One, he lucky I'm even allowing him to leave instead of throwing him into prison. Now Red, change then leave."

He chose to pretend that he didn't see the villain or the two penguin agents pouting as Red left.


	2. I am not allowed to bust into the Comma

**_2\. I am not allowed to bust into the Commander's office and make out on his desk. Especially if he is in his office at the time._**

The Commander felt his left Wye twitch as he stared at the mass of limbs and flying clothes. He was certain this was the two Agents' version of payback for sending Red away. Without a word, the Commander stood and left his office. It was times like this that he wished he could trade them for Red. At least Red kept his kinks out of his office.

* * *

_**3\. Nigel and Rockgut are forbidden from giving "The Talk" to anyone for any reason.**_

Red stared at the shivering mass of blushing,shivering new Agents.

"What's wrong with them?"

Nige and Rockgut shared a look as the Commander sighed.

"Your boyfriends decided to give them the talk."

Red blinked before staring at the Commander in confusion.

"What's 'The Talk'?"

Nigel and Buck shared a look before grinning. The Commander on the other hand had a horrified look. Before Red could blink he fount himself thrown over the Commander's shoulder as the man ran for all he was worth.

"Hey!" Buck and Nigel shouted as one. "Get back here with Red!"

"No! You're not traumatizing Red like you did those poor Agents!"

Red never did find out what "The Talk" was.

* * *

_**4\. I am not allowed to wear leather pants and a leather collar to important meetings I shouldn't even be at.**_

The Commander had to postpone the meeting as neither Buck or Nigel could pay attention to anything else but Red as the villain paced the Meeting Room. The Commander was certain the villain was swaying his hips that way on purpose. The smirk Red gave as he was ushered out of the room by his lovers only helped solidify that disbelief.


	3. I must remember that there has not nor

_**5.I must remember that there has not nor ever will be a Villain-Agent Sleepover at MI6 HeadQuarters for a reason.**_

For once both villains and agents agreed: never again. And to never talk about it, that night never happened.

* * *

**_6\. Prank calling Count Victor von Sova ends well for no one._**

Red Sat sulking in a corner as the Count tore into Nigel, Buck,and the Commander. With each word the three sunk further into themselves as they began to understand why Red had went to the corner without a fight. Retired villain or not the Count was still deathly frightening when angry. They were still too frightened to say anything as the man lead a sulking Red out of HeadQuarters.

"...and Red, you're grounded until further notice."

Red's shoulders slumped in defeat.

"Yes, Sir."

The Office door closed behind the two, cutting off the Count's lecture on how proper villains should act.

* * *

**_7\. NO ONE is allowed to leave Red alone with the Queen again._**

"Red, pull over that car!"

Red glance into his rearview morrow to see a slick black car on his tail. Great, of course they would hunt him down. Red glanced to his passenger, who was grinning like a Chestire Cat.

"Ingore them. We have a race to win."

The woman ordered causing Red to smile before speeding up.

"With pleasure."

No one ever did figure out how Red convinced the Queen to go drag racing. Let alone how he managed to get the Queen past her guards and MI6's security without being seen. Neither would tell when asked.


	4. The next person to tell Red something

_**8\. The next person to tell Red something is impossible will be thrown out a window. You should know by now that Red follows no one's laws.**_

The Commander stared at Red, who was walking on th in air, obvious to the many agents grappling at him. He could already feel a headache building as the villain walked right over his head and turned the corner. As he turned to the gatherer crowd, he couldn't help but wounder when exactly his HQ became a Mad House.

* * *

_**9\. Never tell Red to "get a life". He'll get one alright: Your's**_.

Red stared at the sobbing Agent for a moment then at Nigel, Rockgut, and The Commander.

"What? I was only doing what he told me to."

The Commander sighed as he pinched the bridge of his nose.

"Red, I'm pretty sure Tomas didn't tell you to steal his life."

Red crossed his arms.

"Yes, he did. He told me and I quote: "Go get a life", so I did. It's not my fault he never said who's life he wanted me to get." The Commander groaned as Nigel and Buck laughed, only for the man to a hot them both a glare.

"How about of laughing you two help me."

Nigel and Buck shared a smirk, both already had an idea on how to get Red to drop his current entertainment. Nigel smiled as stepped forward.

"Red, if you have Thomas' life that means he has Your's. So I guess we should just take him to bed with us since he's you."

Shrugging in a uncaring way, Buck helped Tomas to his feet. The poor Agent wad blushing seven different shades of crimson as he registered Nigel's words.

The Commander watched in amusement as Red was out of Tomas' seat in a second and dragging both his lovers out the door by their sleeves. Not even stopping as he shouted at Tomas over his shoulder.

"You can have your life back, I don't want it!"

Tomas gapped for a moment before rushing after the Russian villain.

"Wait, you can't just give it back!"

The Commander busted out laughing as the door shut behind Tomas.

* * *

_**Despite really needing one, Red is not allowed within a hundred feet of a therapist. On a side note, if anyone sees Dr. Jackson please bring him to his session with Dr. Richard. **_

Red had told them he didn't need or want therapy, but they had dragged him there away. No one US sure what happened in that room, only that Dr. Jackson had rushed out with a horrified look his face. That day started many rumors about Red's life and why exactly he became Penguin Enemy Number One. Red still refuses to acknowledge any of the rumors.


	5. Red is not 'The Supreme Commander of All

_**12\. Red is not 'The Supreme Commander of All Evil'. Stop telling the newbie agents that if they defeat him in combat they'll automatically become The Commander. The Medbay is already filled with those who tried.**_

Red stared at the angry Marton that was reminding him a lot of an angry dragon. Red raised his hands in mock surrender.

"Madame, in my defense I would like to point out that they attacked me first."

The woman crossed her arms, gearing down at the Russian.

"Red, you are going to help me move all these Agnets into the Medbay and if you another one to my medbay anytime in the next month, I will end you."

She suddenly smiled sweetly, "Understand?"

Red nodded promptly, slightly paler then normal.

Red sighed in relief as the woman turned her attention elsewhere, slumping on his seat. God, that woman wad frightening. His current seat groaned as it stirred.

"Oh, shut up."

* * *

**_13\. Red is Penguin Enemy Number One. He cannot join The Royal Gaurd even if the Queen wants him to._**

The Commander could feel his headache building as he stared at The form in front of him containing both the Queen's signature and The Royal Seal. Finally he glanced up at the bored looking Russian.

"No, Just No."

Red pouted causing The Commander's eye to twitch slightly.

"Why not?"

The Commander looked Tue villain straight in the eye before answering.

"Red, I am certain, without a doubt, that if you joined The Royal Guard England would be burning before Morning Tea."

* * *

**_14\. Rockgut is not allowed to try blowing up people who stare at Red and Nigel a little too long for your liking_**.

BOOM!

Red grinned from his place draped over Buck's shoulder like a cloak, fingers playing with the American's hair.

Operation: Save Nigel from Fan club via Paranoid\Overprotective Lover wad a success. Red almost laughed at the relieved look on Nigel's face.

* * *

**_15\. Nigel is not to complain if Red burns down his garden after listening to a ten hour rant on different types of Doilies. You had it coming._**

The Commander stared at the ashes of what had once been Nigel's prized garden then to the pouting spy and finally Red.

"You burned down Nigel's garden?"

"..."

The Russain looked away, crossing his arms firmly over his chest. The Commander sighed.

"And do you have anything to say for yourself?"

"... I regreat nothing."

* * *

_**16\. I am not allowed to dye the MI6 uniforms neon pink with glittery sparkles. The point of the uniforms are NOT to draw attention.**_

The Commander stared in horror at the sparkling neon pink mass of uniformed Agents. His eye twitched as one Agent walked past him, seemingly not noticing anything wrong but continued to talk with another Agent. He'll, they were even smiling. The Commander clinched his fists at his side. He had a feeling he knew who was behind this mockery.

"RED!"


	6. Red and Buck are no longer allowed near

_**17\. Red and Buck are no longer allowed near new recuits. Red shouldn't have been near them in the first place.**_

It was a War Zone. Nothing else could possible come close to describe what M was seeing. She could see her usual calm and collected Commander looking to be a verge of having a mental breakdown.

The recruits had divided themselves and the room into two. She could see some recruits tied and gagged among each group. And there, among each group, was two of the major sources of her constant headaches:

Buck Rockgut and Red von Sova.

Neither seemed to have noticed her or The Commander as they were far too busy telling whatever plans they had come up with to their new minions- err... recruits, yeah she meant recruits.

Finally she turned to The Commander and her Personal Aid.

"Find whatever idiots put these two in charge of recruits and have them thrown into a Holding Cell."

"With pleasure."

* * *

**_18\. It's not a good idea to tell anyone that Count Victor von Sova, Buck Rockgut, or Red is your role model. All of them are proven legally insane._**

Hadrain Black shifted slightly as The Commander stared his down in disbelief.

"I'm sorry. Could you repeat that? I think I miss heard you. Who is your Role Models?"

Hadrain sighed, having half expected it.

"Count Victor von Sova, Sir."

The man continued to stare in disbelief.

"How about another Role Model?"

Hadrain bit his lip, before hesitantly speaking.

"Buck Rockgut."

The man gained a desperate look at this answer.

"Another? "

"Red Sova."

Thud! The Commander's head hit his desk as he mumbled something about corrupting innocent minds. Finally he seemed to gather himself together before speaking.

"Look, kid, the job is Your's but only nude two conditions."

Harry nodded and leaned forward as the man gave him a serious look.

"You get a Mental Evaluation and you NEVER, EVER tell anyone who your Role Models are or so help me I will throw you into the furthest Mental Hospital from here so faster then you can get whiplash. "

* * *

_**SPECIAL: **_

_**Red and Q have meet. I suggest locking yourself in a closet, your office or anywhere else you believe safe as half of you will not survive.**_

The Commander stared at the two men before him in utter horror. It had finally happened, The Commander's worst nightmare. The first sign of the incoming Apocalypse:

Red von Sova had finally met QuaterMaster, Q, and they were getting along perfectly.

The Commander was certain that the World's days where finally numbered. Espically considering the way they were smiling. There was no doubt in The Commander's mind that the End was coming.

* * *

_**19\. You may not create mythical creatures just to prove you can. On a side note, would someone get the unicorn out of my office.**_

The Commander and M stared at the creation in M's office, standing beside a proud looking Q and Red. It looked a lot like a white horse, if not for the horn protruding from the center of its forehead.

"Congratulations, you two have finally created life."

M spoke, her eyes never leaving the Not-so-mythical creature standing in her office.

"Why? "

The two looked at each other and shrugged before speaking as one.

"Why not?"

M gave them a deadpanned look before Q clarified their reason.

"We just wanted to see of we could."

M pinched the bridge of her nose as The Commander sighed in defeat.

"Go. Just go."

The two scientists shrugged before leaving. It was only after they left did either M or the Commander realize the Unicorn was still in the office with them.


	7. Red is forbidden to invite anyone to

**20\. Red is forbidden to invite anyone to dinner at Savio's. Anyone who accepts such an offer has a 98% chance of being that night's dinner.**

Red smiled innocently as he invited the Fangirl to dinner at his friend's and she happily accepted. He was half tempted to start crackling as she didn't even recognize the name Savio and flirtlious asked him when she should show and what exactly was for dinner.

* * *

**21\. NO ONE is allowed to throw Red into the deep end of a pool. This is for everyone's safety as Red cannot swim and has vengeanceful lovers, who WILL hunt you down.**

Red was soaking wet and trembling as he clung tightly to Nigel for warmth and safety. The usually calm spy was furious but hid it well as he held the younger man close to him, half afraid that if he let go his lover would end up back in the water. Buck, meanwhile, was furiously beating the half-brained Agents behind Red's condition to a bloody pulp, turning a deaf ear to their pleas. Prank or not, he wasn't laughing.

* * *

**22\. Just because they cannot understand Russian does not mean you can insult them to their faces. No, making them turn around does not mean you can continue insulting them.**

**a). Insulting them in German doesn't make it better.**

**b). Nor French**

**c). Especially not in English**

**d). Look, just stop insulting them**

The Commander felt like bashing his head into a steel beam as he stared at the three man in front of him, trying and succeeding to look as innocent as possible. Why was it those three were the main source of his countless headaches? And why did they always chose the worst possible moments to pull one of their half brained ideas? The half brained idea this time?

Insulting the Prime Minister and The World Council to their face- and backs- in multiple languages.

* * *

**23\. Whoever thought it was a good idea to leave impressionable children alone with Red will be shot. I now have to explain to all their parents why exactly their children want to be the next Penguin Enemy Number One.**

"No, no, no, no. You're not doing it right. Its MAWHAHAHA not MEHEHEHE."

The multitude of children "Ahhed" as if finally understanding something and eagerly bounced on their heels demanding and trying to perfect their Evil Laughter. Half of them had it and the other half was slowly getting it.

"Right. Try it with me."

"**MAWHAHAHA!"'**

Red couldn't help but feel proud that the Mini Villains to be finally had it. Unfortunately, M, who had just walked in, did not feel the same.

* * *

**24\. Painting a target on yourself is NEVER a good idea. Especially if you plan to run through the target range.**

Red sighed as he carefully washed the paint form his lover's body, trying hard not to undo The Dragon's- as he called the Doctor- work. Why Rockgut thought it was a good idea to strip down and paint targets all other his body was beyond Red. Especially why he ran, stark naked- besides the targets- trough the practice range.


	8. Rockgut is to stop punting people who

_**25\. Rockgut is to stop punting people who annoy you out glass windows. Especially if you have not opened the window before punting them.** _

Fanboys.

The worst of the worst of enemies.

The Bane of a multitude of Agent's lives and Buck Rockgut was on exception.

He had only wanted a peaceful morning walk before his Lovers woke and chaos rained the day: Just him and the Blessed silence. Sadly, he was stuck with the worst type of Fanboy in existence: The Stalking Talkers. The one that NEVER shuts up while they follow you everywhere.

"...and then when you..."

Oh, God have mercy. He couldn't take much more of this. As he walked around the corner, he spotted one of M's new stain glass widows- Something he had protested from day one- and an idea came to him.

An idea that if done correctly could get rid of two birds with one stone.

"Look Son, do you want to do me an enormous favor?"

The boy's eagerly nodded, looking at him with sparkling eye. He guided the younger male in front of the window and to a certain spot.

"Now just touch your toes..."

The boy did so without question as Rockgut moved back a bit.

"Like this?"

A dark smirk, usually found on his Russian lover's lips, twisted onto Buck's.

"Perfect"

A moment later, Rockgut kicked the young Agent as hard as he could in the rear and watched in satisfaction as the boy's monument carried him forward.

CRASH!

Smiling in satisfaction at the sudden silence and the nice breeze, Rockgut continued on with his walk with a new spring in his steps. For some reason, he felt much better then he had only moments before.

* * *

_** 26\. Red and Q are to never be left unsupervised together in a lab again. How you two survived that explosion at point-blank range is beyond me.**_

M couldn't help but stare at a the smoldering wreckage that was once Q Division's Personal Lab.  
Earlier this morning a 13.0 Explosion had shook PMI6 Headquarters at 0400. Many, having expected an attack, had rushed outside only to discover the Q Lad in wreckage and only two people missing:

Q and Red.

Though she wouldn't admit it, M was worried as she impatiently waited for the rescue team to find the two. So far:

Nothing.

Not even a strand of hair.

She dreaded having to explain to Victor von Sova exactly what happened and why he was suddenly short of a protégée, but the least she could do was bring his son's body back to him

M's eye twitched as she stared at the two smooth covered men before her. Somehow, despite all odds, Red and Q had survived the point-blank explosion without a single scratch to their beings and were now laughing about the whole issue as if it was a daily happening for them.

* * *

_**27\. Rockgut is to stop running off to places that do not exist. Red and Nigel are getting tired of hunting him down and do not find it amusing.**_

Red would be the first to admit that his lover's tendency to run off in search for make believe places annoyed him as you could never tell where you would find the paranoid man:

Hawaii.

Cuba.

Denmark.

China.

And his new location:...

Antarctica.

Red shivered as he pulled his fluffy coat tighter around him, trying to keep the rapidly falling snow out while trapping in his body heat inside. He looked up at the crimson eyed man, standing next to an igloo and fixed the older with his famous Death Glare.

* * *

_**28\. The Midnight Raves are to stop immediately. Some of us would actually like to sleep.**_

M groaned as she buried her head under her pillow, trying her hardest to block out the blaring music and thunderous sound of stomping feet.

God, why?

Why her?

All she wanted was some damn sleep! Yet every night for the past two weeks they had been partying till dawn, which in turn, caused her to never get any sleep.

So once again she found herself wondering: Why her?

And better yet:

How the Hell do they keep getting into her house?

* * *

_**29\. You are not allowed to randomly bust onto song for any reason. We don't need any further proof of your lack of sanity**_

Red stared in open disbelief at Nigel and Buck as the two suddenly busted into song while they danced around him. He had no idea what song they were singing but it was obvious that they were enjoying theirselves so he saw no reason to tell them to knock it off.

The Commander, on the other hand, had no such issues.


	9. Despite how well he wears it, Red is not

_**30\. Despite how well he wears it, Red is not allowed to wear a dress in public again. Nigel and Rokcgut already have a list of men to kil for flirting with their 'girlfriend'.**_

Red had to admit, he hadn't been very happy when all his clothes and suits had been stolen only to be replaced with a crimson dress and a pair of sandal. Having nothing else to wear, Red had slipped on the cursed outfit and almost cried as he felt his Pride almost be crush when he galnced into a mirror only to see a lovely woman staring back at him.

He was a man for crist sake! He should look that good or feminine in a dress! Yet someone had obviously forgotten to tell the mirror and his DNA that.

Filled with righteous fury, that he fully intended to take out on the culprit, Red had stormed over to MI6 HQ ignoring the staring and cat calls that followed him.

He had a theory on who was behind this and when he got his hands on them, Red swore to kil the Bastard for this.

* * *

_**31\. Nigel and Rockgut are forbidden from killing anyone who flirted with Red while he was in the dress. Trust me, he's only instrested in you two. **_

The Commander sighed as he stamped another 'DENIED' marking onto the misson request form sent to him from Rockgut for Permission to commit a Personal Assassination on some poor unsuspecting man that had the misfortune of flirting with Red when he had still been in the dress.

* * *

_**32\. You are forbidden from acting out Romeo and Juliet ever again. They all die in the end. It did not end in a Threeway. **_

As she stared at the knife in her hand, Red couldn't help but wonder exactly why she was even helping Nigel and Rockgut with the Public Play of Romeo and Juliet.

And why did he always have to be Juliet?

Sighing softly, Red knew she should be putting on some dramitic sence and stabbing herself with the knife so that the Play may end, but she didn't see any point in it. It was illogical to just quarry over something so small and to stab oneself over such a petty matter.

"Screw it."

Red had never been one for Fairy Tales anyway.

Throwing the knife over her shoulder, Red moved to Rockgut and yanked him to his knees before kissing him deeply. Not really caring about the 'ewws' from the younger audience.

It didn't take long for Nigel to happly join his partners.

As for Red, he personally liked his Ending better then Shakespeare's.

* * *

_**33\. NO ONE is allowed to pain my office neon orange.**_

_**a). Nor yellow**_

_**b). No, that doesn't mean to pain it neon pink.**_

_**c). My office does not need to be repainted to 'bring more life to it'. I like it the way it was. **_

The Commander's eye twiched dangerously as he stared at the multitude of splattered colors where his once beautiful white wall had been.

As clamly as he could he cut off the Announcer Microphone.

"Red. Nigel. Rockgut. My Office. Now!"

Later that day, an announcement would be made that forbid ANYONE from giving the three ANY type of paint for ANY purpose.


	10. 34 Red is to stop randomly kidnapping

_**34\. Red is to stop randomly kidnapping people because you were lonely. **_

The Commander could feel his headache grow as he stared at the large, thick file filled with missing persons reports.

Usually these types of Case who be sent to the Dective Chief Inspector for him to work on, but unfortunately the one common factor of each case had them sent to him.

That one common factor, The descirption of the Last Person they were seen with:

A red hair russain with a lone gold eye and an eyepatch.

Sighing the Commander picked up his phone and dailed a number.

"Red, you need to return those civilains immediately."

...

"If your that lonely go spend time with Nigel, Rockgut or the Count- Don't just kidnap ramdom civilains, I have to listen to their families complain, not you. Just get those Civilains home as soon as possible. "

Hanging up so the Russian had no time to argue, The Commander ran a hand through his stressed silver hair.

"I hate my job."

_**b.) You are to stop kidnapping Q every chance you get**_

"Red, I said: Nigel, Rockgut or the Count. NOT Q! You two aren't allowed near each other unsupervised and you both know why"

...

"I don't care! _Anyone else _but not Q! Now take him back to his lab now!"

C.) Kidnapping the Queen casues mass panic. Even if she agreed to go with you.

"God Damn it Red, when I said anyone I didn't mean the _**QUEEN**_! Do you have any idea what type of panic you caused when they found her missing?!"

Red shifted from the chair he was tied to, blowing a stray strand of hair from his eyes.

"If it helps, I technically didn't kidnap her since I had her permission. I just liberated her from her over the top duties with her blessing. "

The Commader stared at the Russian sielntly for a moment before pulling a bottle of scotch from his desk, forgetting the glasses in favour of drinking dirrectly from the bottle.

He hated his job, but he hated the Red Squirrel more as his job was so much easier and stressless when the Russian Villain wasn't around.

* * *

_**35.) Red is to stop sending the Russian Assembly Stuffed animals immediately.**_

One day, Red sent the Russian Assembly a stuffed animal resembling an adorable snow tiger.

The next day they sent its torn off head back to Red in a box with an active bomb.

Acting causally, Red had thrown the bomb out the closest window. They would have ingored it if not for the shout of _"MY CAR" _from bellow.

Red still refuses to pay for the man's new car.

Instead he chose to go out and buy a new stuffed animal to ship to the Russian Assembly:

A Penguin this time.

* * *

_**36.) No one is allowed to clone Red without his permission. He almost had a heart attack at seeing what he thought was his dead twin brother walking around. **_

_**a.) Just becasue you didn't know Red had a twin does not make it right. You still should have asked.**_

_**b.) One Red is more than enough. What could have possible possessed you to want another?**_

Turns out Q's secret project had been cloning his new 'Blow-Inventions-Up' Science Buddy, though he keep said clone down in his lab until it was stable before planning to present it to his Russian friend.

Unfortuantly Red and the Clone had accidently run into each other, when Red had been on his way to visit Q.

The two had tilted their heads slightly to the right in unison before both their eyes- Red's lone eye and the clone's two- widened as they openely gapped.

_**"FRANCIS!?"**_

Both had shouted at the other as one before fainting on the spot.

Turns out Red had once had an older twin brother named Franics, who was murdered when the villain was six years old.

Red and his Clone had both thought the other to be Francis, upon spotting each other and the shock had caused both of them to pass out.

After much talk, Red adopted his clone as his newphew and had the boy de-aged and his fur turned brown.

The Clone now lives in Central Park as Fred the Squirrel.

No one truly understood why the boy chose to act like an idiot though most figured it was so no one would ever find out his relationship to Red.

M and the Commander praised every God they knew that they didn't have to deal with Two Reds.

* * *

_**37.) Count Victor von Sova and Red do not teach Evil Laughter Class in my office.**_

M could feel her eye twitching as she stared at the hundreds, maybe thousands of cadets within her office, each and everyone of them giving a similar laugh:

_**Mawhahaha.**_

Watching them with matching smirks where Count Victor von Sova and his Protege, the Red Squirrel.

Deciding she had heard enough, M cleared her throat causing every cadet in the room to look at her with wide, startled eyes.

"Class is Offically Canceled Boys. All of you out."

The room was cleared in a matter of seconds, minus two Russian Villains, giving her matching grins.

Though she knew she would regret it, she had to make the demand.

"Explain."  
_**A.) Count Victor von Sova and Red do not teach Evil Laughter Class in Q's Lab.**_

Evil Laughter Class.

Honestly The Commader had hoped it had been a joke and was all too willing to believe it so, if not for the sudden crackles that had suddenly come from Q's Lab only moments later.

Opening the door, a bit hesitanly, the Commander was greeted to a room full of Cadets laughing madly while Q, Red and The Count watched with matching smirks.

_**B.) There is no Evil Laughter Classes, so neither should be teaching it. I find myself worried that my Agents are asking for such lessons. **_

A public announcement was made concerning the matter. Sadly, it only seemed to encourage them to be more discreet then completely give up the class.  
Evil Laughter Class was suntlety added to the Necessary Lessons for Cadets three years later, which was then taught by The Count and Agent Dlyan.


	11. Despite how easy it may be to forget

_**38\. Despite how easy it may be to forget when he's not doing anything dangerous, Red IS Penguin Enemy Number One. You should not be encouraging his antics.**_

"...and that's my next plan for world domination using pink fluffy bunnies and jello."

Red spoke with an utterly serious face to the gathered crowd of Newbie Agents surrounding him. It was painfully obvious the Agents actually believed him though the spark of mischief in Red's lone golden eye showed he was only messing with them.

"Can I help?"

One of the Agents asked setting off all the others as they congratulated the Russian and offered advice to bullock plan Red had probably came up with on the spot.

Nigel, Dylan and Rockgut where content to allow the Newbies to further make fools of theirselves and probably would have if not for the sputtering sound coming from behind them. Not even a second later, The Commander pushed his way past the three spies before shouting at the crowd in anger.

"I told you not to encourage him!"

* * *

_**39\. "I'm drunk" is a bad answer to any question. Even if it's the truth.**_

In all respective, It was Nigel and Q's faults. Curious about how much alcohol Red could hold before he was officially 'sloshed'. After much arguing and bribing the two had finally managed to convinced Red to help them with their half thought out idea. Sadly Red was discovered to be even madder then normal when drunk.

_**Incident A**_

Nigel couldn't help but stare in horror as he watching his Russian adversary stand on a tight wire almost a hundred feet off the ground. How said Russian managed to get up there, let alone halfway down the wire was beyond them seeing as not even ten minutes ago Red had been tripping over thin air.

Nigel could hear Red laughing as he wavered on that all too thin wire. Nigel felt like he was on the verge of a panic attack though Red appeared as if he was in some amusement park. That bright smile and carefree laughter escaping him as if he wasn't just a misstep away from death.

Four hours and six close calls later the Agents finally managed to help the drunk Russian from the tight wire.

No one ever did figure out how Red managed to get up there.

_**Incident B**_

The Commander could feel his headache growing as he watched the red hair menace roast marshmallows over an open flame, softly giggling to himself about something or another.

"Squirrel, what the hell do you think you're doing?"

That lone golden eye glanced at him with a childish innocence the Commander honestly didn't believe Red was capable of.

"Roasting Marshmallows?"

For a moment the Russian glanced back at his stick as if too make sure the marshmallow was still there. Satisfied the black lump- Could that even be considered a marshmallow?- was still on his stick, Red glanced at the Commander smiling.

Said Commander was pinching the bridge of his nose, praying for the patients not to throw the drunk into the flames an roast those damn marshmallows over his corpse.

"That's not what I meant. What I meant was: Why the Hell did you set the Prime Minister's house on fire?"

The Russian Devil looked at him with a look of honest confusion and pure innocence .

"Where else was I supposed to burn them? You're house?"

**"NO!"**

* * *

**_40\. Flying monkeys do not exist. You cannot conquer the world with them._**

**_a). No, this is not a challenge for Q and Red to see who can create them first._**

**_b). Whoever let them watch the Wizard of Oz is to report to my office._**

"Denied." M spoke firmly as she tore up Q and Red's request form, 'Why would you two want flying monkey's anyway?"

The two Hellions shared a look before speaking as one, "To conquer the world with them."

"To conquer the world?" M repeated slowly, certain she had misheard the duo.

At least until the two nodded in unison.

"Well," Q drawled out slightly, "The Wicked Witch did it, so we figured we could give it a try."

And suddenly everything made sense.

* * *

**41\. You are to stop toppling dictatorial governments by giving incriminating photos of them to the people to incite riots.**

**a). You will stop using Photoshop to forge these photos.**

M glared at the four far too innocent looking teenagers before her. Nigel, Rockgut and Q shifted uneasily under her gaze but not Red, who was far too used to being glared at by her, the Commander and anyone else of authority.

"I don't know how you four managed to acquire those photos, nor an I sure I want to." M folded her hands on the desk before her leaning forward, her eyes narrowing ever so slightly, "But I want a copy of each and everyone on my desk within the hour. Understand?"

"Yes Ma'am."

* * *

**42\. NO ONE is allowed to prove Red is related to royalty. He doesn't care.**

**a). On a side note, NO ONE is allowed to mention the results to anyone. Red has agreed with me and will personally deal with the idiot who tries.**

It had started out a dare. Test Red's blood and discover his true name. Of course getting said blood wasn't easy and the results where more startling them ever believed possible.

Red and the Count had been furious when they discovered other's had seen the results. All those who had seen it was sworn to secrecy under the pain of death. The results where burned afterwards and all samples of Red's blood destroyed.

The information was later Classified.

* * *

_**43\. No one is allowed to talk would fast that no one can understand a word your saying. Especially if it's about something important.**_

" .Now!"

Nigel couldn't help but stare at Red in utter confusion. He was speaking much faster then Nigel had ever seen him before, making it hard to keep up.

"Red. Breath. Slow down and start from the top. What happened?"

Red did as asked and took a breath though the annoyance in his eye made it clear the two of them would be having words later.

"Farther and Dylan have been shot. We need to get to the Hospital Wing. Now, Nigel!"

Nigel didn't need to be told twice as he grabbed the Russian's arm and led the other to the Hospital Wig, not caring who he ran over in the process.

* * *

_**44\. You are to stop trying to out-argue Red. You're not going to win, only the Count can do that.**_

To this day neither Nigel, Rockgut, M, Q, or the Commander can out argue Red. Though when it comes to the Count, all he has to do is say two words and Red goes silent.

_бе тихо_


	12. You are not allowed to burn down the Mi

**45\. You are not allowed to burn down the Minister's home. On the other hand, if being Penguin Enemy Number One doesn't work out Red can always be a damn good lawyer. I still can't figure out how you managed to prove them innocent and pin it all on the Minister. Especially considering the video evidence of them doing it.**

M had never seen such a one sided Case before in her Life.

No matter what the Prime Minister said or how much evidence he threw onto the field- including video evidence-

Red always seemed to have a legal and logically way or countering the man.

It was sad really, The Prime Minister was nothing more then a mild annoyance to the Russian man acting as a Lawyer for her Agents.

Red had to admit he was quite amused watching the prune shade man sputter and spat in rage as he was dragged away by the Court Officers. Really Red didn't see why the man was so upset, he was the one who Insisted on bringing the matter to Court. Smiling politely to the Judge, Red stood and ushered his Clients out the door.

* * *

**46\. Red is forbidden to be his own lawyer. We would never get him convicted.**

"Never? "

"Never. "

"What about- "

"No."

M couldn't help but roll her eyes as the Russian sulked under a cloud of depression while Rockgut rubbed smooth circles onto the smaller's back.

* * *

**47\. Red is to stop telling people to relax during high speed chases. Not everyone is as used to be shot at as you are.**

"Would you Nimrods relax already?! You're panic is distracting. "

"Excuse me, we're being bloody Shot at! "

"And?"

The Russian asked in mild annoyance as he skidded around a curve on two wheels.

"You're going well above the speed limit! Slow down before you kill us all! "

"I'm not going to kill us! I know exactly what I'm doing. Now get the Hell off the floor and back into your seats before I shoot you myself! "

* * *

**48\. The Commander is not your Mother and you are to stop referring to him as such.**

Nigel hated lectures. As a child He was forced to sit through multiple from Agent Dylan though none of his had ever gone on as long as the Commanders:

Nine hours. Nine Bloody Hours of sitting silently in the same spot without being able to move an inch.

Where was Red and his Chaos when Nigel needed it?

"Nigel, are you paying attention? "

The Commanders voice cut through his thoughts like a hot knife through butter. Without really thinking the Spy answered.

"Yes Mother. "

* * *

**49\. You are to stop writing Red asking him to kill people who insulted you.**

a). It doesn't matter if he doesn't mind, stop writing before he takes it seriously

b). I thought I already talked to you about encouraging his antics

M couldn't help but stare at the letter when had amused the Russian lounging before her only moments before.

God Above...

What the Hell where her Agents thinking? Sure it was one thing to hate someone but it was another to Actually write Enemy Number One, asking him to kill those people for them.

The fact Red didn't seem to mind at all and actually seemed to be considering it only made her worry more.

* * *

**50\. Q is to stop walking around HeadQuarters in a bathrobe and slippers. Do that at your own home not HQ.**

It had stared out as a dare between the Quartermaster in his insane Russian friend. At first Q had been embarrassed walking around in nothing but a fluffy house robe and slipper before his colleagues.

Like he thought they would, many ended up laughing at him and he had fled to the safety of his Lab. He had called the other to tell him the dare was off but somehow the rouge had talked him into doing it again, this time ignoring the whispers and laughter. It wasn't even, Q had always been self aware, though the more time he spent dressed like that the less he liked the idea of returning to his usual stuffy uniform.

Before long it became a natural sighting to spot Q wondering the base in his rob and slippers and while The Commander usually would have ignored it, Q's state of dress was distracting some of the other Agents; who would rather stare at the man then do their work.

* * *

**51\. The Commander is not your Grandmother and you are to stop referring to him as such.**

"Red, what are you doing in my house?"

The rouge hair Russian glanced up, peeking at him from underneath the red hood of his cloak.

"Mother asked me to bring you pastries, Grandma."

He could feel his eye twitch as the Russian villain _skipped_ towards his dinning room table.

"You don't have a mother Sova. Nor am I your Grandma."

The rouge only answer was taunting smile as he plucked an apple off the table's fruit tray.

"What are you doing here Sova?"

That smile only grew as the younger man tossed the apple into the air right as the Kitchen door was knocked off its hinges.

_**BANG!**_

The Commander could only stare as the body of escaped terrorist, Jahir Beluga, fell to the floor with a single bullet hole between his eyes. Without missing a beat the Russian dropped the gun back into his picnic basket before catching the apple with his now free hand.

"I'm just here to catch my wolf."

Humming to himself, the rouge took of a bit of his apple, ignoring the Commander blanch stare with well practiced ease.

* * *

**52\. Red is never to bring his Acorn Muffins to Headquarters again. They were delicious, yes, bit I'd rather bot deal with another riot for the last one.**

"You did this on purpose didn't you?"

A golden eye flickered to the dark haired man behind him as a smirk slipped onto his lips.

"I don't have an idea what you're talking about, Rockgut. All I did was leave a basket of pastries out."

It would have been more believable if the Russian would at least stop smirking but Red fount it highly amusing how quick the Agents turned on each other for just a muffin.

"And the other basket you brought with you?"

"I figure You, Nigel and I could use something to snack on while we enjoyed the show."


	13. Red is not allowed to blow things up for

_**53\. Red is not allowed to blow things up for the hell of it.**_

_**A). You felt like it is not acceptable excuse either**_

Ask him aloud and Red would forever deny it but if it was solely just to himself the Russian would admit he may have a tiny microscopic pyromania issue. For as long as he could remember he always believed the blazing flames utterly annihilating the sources of major headaches was the most beautiful thing he ever saw- or ever would.

Sometimes though, a plain fire ravaging the lands and his source of misery just wasn't enough.

There were times when one had to take it a step further and add their own personal touches.

In this case:

The Bomb.

Nothing was quite as fitting as being able to use your calling card as you all but told the self righteous bastards to_ 'Fuck Off'_.

Who cared if he was likely to get a lecture from the Commander- The man wasn't his boss so it really wasn't Red's issue- and his rather solid excuse of _'I felt like it'_ was likely not to be deemed acceptable?

The bastards deserved I whole heartily and the rouge refused to back down.

Who knew, maybe next time they would learn to keep their mouths shut- if any of them survived for a next time that is.

* * *

_**54\. Throwing Nigel a birthday party was nice thing to do, if it was his birthday.**_

"Congratulations Nigel, its officially your Birthday."

For a brief moment the young spy couldn't help but stare in slight disbelief as emerald eyes moved from the cake to the ceiling high stack of presents and finally to the corner of the room full of any and all alcoholic beverages- some of which he had never even heard of.

"My birthday isn't until January."

The Spy had allowed the soft protest to slip through his lips as he stared at the amused looking American in front of him. "So? We're just celebrating a bit earlier."

A bit? It was bloody May, this was more then just a _'bit'. _

Placing an arm firmly around the younger man's shoulder, Rockgut guided the spy to the center table.

He was very much in need of a rather strong drink, none of which any of them could have until the spy received the first of the evening.

Watching rom the corner of the room, the Commander couldn't help but sigh in annoyance.

The things his men did for a shot of Alcohol.

* * *

_**55\. Red is to stop hiding stolen goods in Headquarters. Hide them in your own base or stop stealing.**_

_**a). After hiding said goods in Headquarters, you are forbidden to sending anonymous tips to Scotland Yard about their current wasn't easy explaining why we had the stolen goods.**_

The Count had officially had enough. Every time he turned around he seemed to be tripped over some sort of stolen loot ranging form solid gold statues to the latest government secret project. Don't get him wrong, he was quite proud his Protégé was taking his life serious for a change and not running about with that Spy or American Agent.

But there was only so many times someone could almost break their neck over stolen good before it was time to put his foot down.

Seeing the young Kit carrying in another bag of only God knows what Victor knew he had to speak then and there.

"Nyet! No More! I don't care what you do with it but I want all this detritus gone by time I finish with lunch or else I'll be having you for dinner."

Of course Victor had no such plans of eating the rouge, he had placed a lot of time and effort into the boy- far too much to just suddenly eat his investigate but he couldn't allow Red to believe he had gone soft on him.

For a brief moment Red couldn't help but glance around the room. Now that he looked at it he had stolen a rather large majority of things- some of which he didn't even know what they were or what they did- but how did The Count expect him to get rid of them?

He couldn't just give them back...

Or could he?

A rather mischievous grin fount its way to the rouge's face as an idea, unlike any other, formed in his head.

_"Hello? Scotland Yard, I'd like to place on anonymous tip on the location of several stolen objects. "_

_"Yes Sir, I'm serious."_

_"No Sir, this is not a joke."_

_"Sir, if it turns out to be a bust and my information is wrong you may shoot me yourself."_

The Commander wasn't quite sure exactly what the Hell was going on as he was carted out of his office in handcuffs by Scotland Yard's finest. All he really knew was that one way or another, That Damn Russian was involved.

* * *

_**56\. NO ONE is allowed to roam around naked.**_

Q hadn't meant for it to happen, honestly!

He had just been testing out his latest invention- even though he had been told countless of times not to, especially when alone- when something had gone wrong.

One moment he had been standing there, fully clothed in his daily suit and lab coat, and the next...

The next second he was standing there in nothing but his birthday suit.

Unfortunately, Q's room happened to be located on the other side of the rather busy Agency- an agency full of Spies and Paranoid Agents used to people trying to kill them at ever waken- sometimes sleeping- moment.

It was a doomed mission from the start.

By mid morning tea, everyone knew of Q's incident and his science partner, That Mad Russian, had finally showed and had the mercy to spare him his coat.

While a part of Q was highly thankful to have something to cover his shame with, another part of him couldn't help but wonder where exactly that bastard was when the Quartermaster needed him earlier?

* * *

_**57\. No one has permission to help Red break into his Minster's home to fill it with chocolate pudding. Where did you get that much pudding anyway?**_

To be honest Red hated the Minster, the man was an incompetent bastard.

And worse an incompetent dirty bastard who happily would line his pockets with other's money just to pretend not to see the corruption filling the city.

It was a sad day when he was actually more trustworthy and reliable then the City's own Minister.

So honestly the rouge had no issue with recruiting several Agents and using one of the bastards stolen credit cards to buy every box of chocolate pudding in the her Majesty's Realm.

It was a shame no one would be having chocolate pudding for a while- and they had to waste so much on the man- but as far as Red was concerned it was well worth it to see that man flooded out of home.


End file.
